IMPROV FOR ASPIES!

The key to every social lesson I've taught my son, is to make it fun and appeal to his sense of humor.

When my son was younger and I had to prepare him for an upcoming social event, we would role play. I would pretend to be a person who had to introduce themselves to a group of peers. I'd enter and re-enter his room introducing myself in different, exaggerated ways. Shoulders hunched and eyes on the ground, mumbling my name and offering a really limp handshake or dragging my feet into the room, smacking my gum, eyes fixed on my phone, then keeping my arms crossed and not introducing myself at all. Then I would have him tell me what his first impressions of me were when I behaved that way.

Once the point was made, we'd practice the proper way to introduce ourselves (eye contact, firm handshake, shoulders back, chin up) and work on 'getting to know you' questions and answers. Once the lesson was done, we would take the game in a really exaggerated direction and take turns acting out really outrageous introductions and laughing at the impression those characters would make on a new group of people.

I had the bright idea, after showing him the best of Adam Sandler skits from SNL, to sign him up for a local improve class. Luckily, the first place we signed up with was a perfect fit. It was owned and run by some young adults (former Disney TV celebs) and was close to home. It took just one test class for him to agree to join up for weekly improv lessons. The energy was high, the classes were small, and the rules were loose - it was a perfect place for my boy to learn about himself.

The zanier the exercise, the more involved he would become, completely forgetting to be self-conscious or uncomfortable - because he and all the kids there with him were just 'acting' and it wasn't 'real life'. It wasn't long before I could see self-confidence begin to grow. Sadly, the classes weren't getting enough participants and they didn't run as often as I would have liked. We tried an improv class that was being offered at the community center, but the vibe just wasn't the same, it was too focused on the 'art of improv' and not enough on the 'just go for it' improv he had previously experienced. He tried out one class and didn't want to go back. At the end of the day, I think taking improv changed his life. He has been, increasingly, the class clown over the years since always searching for that great feeling that making people laugh gives a person.

I made is sound kind of easy, but he started out as a very frustrated boy. He couldn't articulate his feelings and would often go into 'rage mode' because of it. After doing improv on and off for a few years, he was better able to control his body and articulate his feelings. I believe that learning to manipulate and express himself in a safe and accepting environment like improv class, helped him to get in touch with his own voice and sense of self.

I also believe, that Aspies should, where possible, go into groups like this with 'typicals' to offer them the opportunity to learn from them via proximity by witnessing how they react and behave in different situations.

Do you have any similar stories or suggestions to help our Aspie kids? Leave a comment!

Good luck our there,
JB

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Sh*t My Mom Says

Some mothers, like myself, come up with sweet little sayings that are sort of like inside jokes for mom and child. For instance, I was tired of telling my son that "practice makes perfect!" so I started saying "practice makes popcorn!" which made us giggle and still got my point across to my ever reluctant son.

As for my mother's many, many sayings and expressions, I though I'd make a list of some of her gems. Keep in mind she is of a different generation and was raised in the forest by wolves (actually in the woods and my grandfather was a fur trapper). In her defense, my mother is actually the sweetest person I know. She had 5 kids to raise and she welcomed all of our friends and neighborhood kids into our home. She would pack a lunch for all of us plus my best friend who would show up at our door every morning to take the bus with us. I could write a book on just how amazing my mother truly is. But today, I'm going to write about all the sayings that kept me guessing over the years. My mother is a respected member of her community....somehow. Anyway, here we go!

Sh*t My Mom Says:

Let's get warmed up with some of the PG ones:

"Some people's children." She would say this when we were being weird or misbehaving as though she was judging another person's kids. I like this one and use it on my son now.

"Rise and Shine! Daylight in the Swamp!" This is how she would wake us up for school when we were teens. I kind of loved it.

My mother would sing this to me sometimes: "You may think it's goofy, but my daughter is a Newfie!" I also kind of loved this because my father is from The Rock.

"That's the pot calling the kettle black." It's a classic, but now we have stainless steel kettles and our pots can come in a variety of colors. This expression came about when people used cast iron in the kitchen - and it's not a racist expression at all. It's a way of calling somebody a hypocrite.

"Like it or lump it" I actually found this one on the internet: Meaning: "Said of an unpleasant outcome that one has no choice but to accept - one can either endure it willingly or endure it with suffering. - Lump - To look sulky or disagreeable (16th century) http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/like-it-or-lump-it.html

Are you warmed up? Because here come the doozies:

"I'm broke flatter than piss on a plate." I think this one is self explanatory.

"That thing (jar, door, whatever) is closed up tighter than a Nun's c*nt." (yup, she really says it - without a care in the world - kind of like Betty White) Both insulting to women and religion in one blow. I'd give this one a 9 on the offensive scale.

If I am bent over to pick something up, she will say this before smacking very hard on the bottom: "Never pass a tight ass..." What does that even mean? Without smacking it I guess.

She would also call me a "Wandering Jew" when I walked around the house in boredom as a child. I did not know how to feel about this one. I found out recently that there is actually a biblical character that this reference pertains to, whether my mother knows this or not, I will have to ask her. "The original legend concerns a Jew, who taunted Jesus on the way to the Crucifixion and was then cursed to walk the earth until the Second Coming." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wandering_Jew

And the ultimate pot calling the kettle black is when she would tell us kids, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Really Mom? Really?

We can get into her creative use of foul language: 

Let's say she burns herself on a pot: "You dirty slut"

Playing cards, well, let me tell you she does not like to lose. Things she says while playing cards:

Oh, kiss me arse.

My parents together have a ton of inside jokes as well. They often quote television commercials that made them laugh or just a part of a joke that they both thought was hilarious. Like, "garbage, garbage, garbage, it's gonna kill him.' They have a great relationship and still flirt with each other after forty years of marriage. So I think the secret to a good marriage must be that you both have to have a sense of humor be a little bit crazy.

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Let's Talk About Death

My father-in-law passed away recently. His wife, while he was on his deathbed, removed his wedding ring. We asked her, what she was doing. And she replied that she didn't want anybody to steal it when he is buried. I had to chuckle and say that there aren't grave robbers anymore, nor do we live in Ancient Egypt. She said she was just going to put it in her drawer - forever with some of her other jewelry. Feeling compelled, I asked would your husband not want to be buried with his wedding ring as it was such a part of his life, being married to her for the last 50 years. In the end she kept the ring off of his hand, after going back and forth a few times on the subject.

What this made me realize is that we do not talk about death as much as we should before actually dying. I think it is easier on your loved ones if you to let them know your wishes. When I was speaking with my own father and telling him the story I just shared, he said very frankly that he wouldn't want to be buried with his wedding ring on. I was shocked. I would have very much assumed that he would want to be buried with his wedding ring on given that he loves my mother so much. This only strengthens my point is that we should have these conversations.

My ex-mother-in-law did something that I thought was creepy when I first met her, but now I understand and actually admire her for it. She went around her home, at around the age of 70, putting little nametags on all of her belongings. When I asked her what the heck she was doing she told me she was putting her children's names on her belongings so they didn't fight over anything when she was gone. Is this extreme? I'm not sure anymore.

To me when somebody passes away, respecting their wishes is your final act of honoring them. For instance some people may insist that they have a closed casket while others may insist they be buried in their favorite golf outfit. I think that there should be a list, not like a Will per se, but a list of things that you would like to see happen after you pass.

I'm not a photogenic person. I will have pictures picked out for my funeral before I go, to save from anybody posting a bunch of awful pictures of me in memory on some board or slide show.
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Life doesn't go on forever and that we have to prepare ourselves for the end eventually. Thinking about these things isn't easy, that's for sure. Mortality is a slap in the face at best. Especially when we've seen so many die young, and die very ill. But lets be brave and by being brave and having these conversations, we are being kind to those we leave behind.

A few things about my funeral:

• I want only the best photographs of me to be displayed
• I want to closed casket
•  my closest family can view my body but that is all, as I believe it is a very important part of the grieving process and for closure.
• I want very specific songs played at my funeral such as amazing Grace and On the Wings of a Snow White Dove. Maybe a little White Stripes?
•  I want my grandmother's engagement ring to go to my son and to be passed along to his children but I want to keep my engagement and wedding ring from Victor on my finger for eternity. 
• Only orange flowers at my funeral. No boring flowers allowed.
• I also want twinkle lights, I'm not kidding.

Other Things to consider:

• When somebody passes, the funeral home will ask if you want them to be embalmed or not. Embalming is a sort of preservative. If you do not embalm, then you must be buried quickly in accordance with the law, apparently. I didn't know we actually had this choice. I say embalm me so my family isn't put under the stress of time restraints at such a time.
• Clothing and other items that a person might like to be buried with. Photos, jewelery, etc.
• Cremation, burial, vault, ground...etc.
• Would you like to have a Viewing/Visitation with family, or what I call a Wake.
• Type of ceremony - religious etc.
• Is there a specific place the person would like to have the services and viewing?

I'm going to sit down with my parents and interview them about what they would like for their funerals. They have already begun planning by paying in advance, just like my dear grandmother did. These conversations need to happen so that I can truly know what their wishes are when the day comes. Although I can say for certain at that time I will be completely inconsolable. I adore my parents, and the last thing that I want to think about is their departure from this earth and from my life. I realize that their wishes for their funeral arrangements are sacred and important and I would like to honor them by respecting those wishes. So I've created this checklist if anybody would like to use it for themselves or their family members, for that day is inevitable and none of us can avoid it, but we can be prepared and prepare loved ones to make it easier on them when it's time to make important decisions about our funeral arrangements.

Good luck out there, JB

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Mind Over Cancer

My Father-In-Law was recently informed that Cancer has been detected on his liver. The liver is a major organ, and my fiance, Victor, and I are trying hard not to freak out. Joel, his dad, is a lovely man who takes pleasure in the simple things in life, like tending to his garden and torturing his wife. He came to Canada from Portugal as a young man, and was one of the founding members of the Canadian Portuguese Society and Community Centre in Toronto. There is a framed letter from the Mayor, recognizing his contribution to the community, hanging in the hall of Victor's childhood home.

Joel is 85 years old, but a young 85; he has a great laugh and, as I said, gets much pleasure out of teasing his wife. Margaret, his wife, spends most of her time saying, "Oh Joel" and rolling her eyes. He is a great father, the kind who sticks up for his sons no matter what. According to the stories Victor told me of the trouble he and his brother used to get into as a teenagers, his Dad never let him down. Never. This morning Victor, sounding more like a child than an adult in his forties said, "I always thought my Dad was invincible." Tears filled my eyes as I thought of having to comfort him through what will be the toughest thing he'll ever have to go through, watching his father die. I'm not writing Joel off, but this kind of news can get you preparing yourself for the worst. "If this goes badly, it's going to be a very stressful time for all of us," Victor said, as I watched him droop his head and then give it a little shake to recover himself. If we lose Joel, that means we inherit Margaret, and Victor's brother Julio who is two years older than him and has schizophrenia. It would mean a shit-ton of added stress to our family and relationship. I rarely see Victor as it is because his daughter is in rep soccer all year long, and  what's worse, I think I'm going to be the one stuck with looking after his Mom who is the definition of persnickety.

Everyone knows that it's a bad idea to look up illness on the Internet because it will only frighten the hell out of you. An interesting discussion came out of Victor's Internet search, however, he found that people who seemed perfectly healthy, faded rather quickly after being told they had a certain amount of time to live. A man mentioned that his mother seemed normal until receiving her diagnosis, and then died six weeks later! We got to thinking that part of it must be psychological, if a doctor tells you you're going to die in a few months, you tend to believe him.  If we thought we had a fighting chance, would we live longer in those situations? Consider people who, in the face of Cancer, turn to holistic medicine, a big part of the holistic approach is simply believing that it will work; mind over Cancer. What if doctors changed the way they diagnose us, using different words to describe our situation, and leaving it up to the patient, in their mind, to decide their own fate? Would patients live longer after diagnosis if they thought it was possible?

Update: We have now been informed that it is not just Liver Cancer, but also Kidney. A biopsy has been scheduled, and from what we've read the fact that it's in more than one place means that it has spread. Spreading mean stage four. My husband has quickly moved from scared to angry, and I don't blame him. We won't have the official diagnosis for a few weeks, but I guess now we're prepared for the worst. With Christmas around the corner, we are now considering a big family trip to relax and enjoy our time together, I hope we have that long.

Do you know anyone who used holistic medicine to ward off Cancer?
Do you know anyone who has had liver cancer?

I'd love to hear from you, please leave a comment.

Good luck out there,

JB

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Stella - The Bunny Killer

Like any pet owner, I love my dog. She's a pretty yellow lab. She goes well with my decor too. However, she is a savage beast Bunny Killer and I have a hard time getting past that. There have been two instances.

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My Father's Home

I hear the seagulls calling me back
Never again shall I roam
Sea Swallows singing songs of my youth
Take me back to my Newfoundland home

This was one of my many requested songs as a young girl, sitting cross legged at my fathers feet while he strummed his guitar. Every second summer we would make the journey by car from Ontario to Newfoundland to visit a number of relatives across the island. It began with my four brothers in the back seat and me on my mothers lap. This was before seatbelts became the law (now I'm giving away my age). Speaking for all of us, the enormous ferry ride across the ocean was by far the best part of the whole experience, often spotting whales along the way. The number of us taking the journey each year dwindled as my brothers reached their teens and then later on in my own teenage years, after the death of two of the youngest of my brothers, it was just Dad and me. My last trip was at the age of 17; a last minute voyage to attend my uncles funeral. That was 16 years ago.

I was home to see my parents a few weeks ago and found that my father spent most of his time mucking around in the shed, sawing things apart and then putting them back together. With caring for my son and my nephew, who was also visiting, and playing cards with my mother, I hardly had any quality time with my father at all. Now that I am back in the city, I regret not making more of an effort than just playing one game of crib and watching a late night documentary on Newfoundland with him. It focused on the early 1900s whaling and sealing ships.
My father misses his home land and is waiting for a call from his neice who is currently living on the West Coast. She asked that he meet her there and drive her vehicle across the country to Newfoundland where she is having a house built for her family; returning to her roots. The sale on her current home is not going well, however, and things have been delayed.

It has crossed my mind that I would like to join him on the journey when and if it does happen. My mother's hips are too sore to travel long distances and I'd rather he not go alone and, besides that, I have never myself seen the west coast of this great land. The trip would require two weeks of my time away from work and away from my family. However I feel that it would be monumental in my life and in my relationship with my father who has taught me nothing over the years if not that family is the most important gift we are given by God and should be cherished. I understand his need to go home as it is just like mine. The difference is that I only moved five hours south from my parents and my father moved three days West of his. If the stars align I may be crossing the Golf of St. Lawrence smelling the salty ocean air by my father's side in the next few months.

JB 2009

Ttitle image:
The Artwork of Thérèse Frère
from Fogo Island and Change Islands and other parts of Newfoundland

http://www.frerenewfoundland.ca/links.html

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