Our Best Bitches Annual Surprise Birthday Day

My best friend and I plan a surprise day for each other every year on their birthday. Pretty freaking awesome right?

 

It began around ten years ago when my best friend and I had an epiphany. We had met only a few years before that through work, discovered we both had kids still in diapers and began meeting on the weekends to drink tea while said kids ran amuck at the local indoor playground called The Monkey's Jungle.

Over the years, in discussing our significant others' downfalls, as girls are want to do, we agreed they weren't really in tune with our unique and often odd personalities, which made us so hilarious to each other, or our sense of adventure. They were continually giving us things like emergency car kits or boring old flowers for our birthdays - and with no sense of ceremony at all! We both felt we were pretty fabulous gals and deserved to have our birthdays, not just noted, but celebrated! If we were forced to get older we might as well enjoy the ride.

The realization was that we set our hopes too high every year just to be let down. We couldn't fault our mates for not performing to a standard that they didn't even know existed, could we? And so we took our happiness into our own hands and decided not just to celebrate our birthdays together every year for the rest of our lives, but to plan each other's birthdays as a surprise in advance every year as well. And thus was the beginning of our Annual Surprise Birthday Day. My birthday is in April and RBs in July, so the weather was usually good enough for whatever we conjured up to do.

Who knows you better than your bestie? Probably nobody. It's a relationship with no holds barred. You intimately know the best and worst of each other as well as the best and worst of everyone in each others life through proximity. You love who they love and hate who they hate. You've got their back and they've got yours. If you are one of the lucky ones, this also describes your relationship with your spouse. The significant difference here is that women get women.

Your spouse may also be your best friend, but he'll never really get your the way your bestie does. We figure we are saving them the inevitable grief of cocking up our birthdays and taking the pressure off them, leaving us looking forward to our Birthday with giddy anticipation every year instead of the dread of another hum-drum birthday. Besides, everybody knows it's important to maintain your friendships even though you are in a relationship: Read This! So every year our spouse is off the hook and we get to go out into the world and act like a couple of idiots all day long, refusing to actually grow up just because we happen to be getting older.

So are you in? Do you have a friend you can make the Birthday Day Pact with? It will change your life. Even if you don't have a significant other, it's important to your overall wellbeing to make time to spend with your friends. I promise you will cherish these two days per year that are dedicated to the people who will always be there for you. And you will make SO MANY HAPPY MEMORIES.

OUR BIRTHDAY DAYS

There are no rules. It is totally up to the other person and their budget at the time to schedule the entire day in advance. It really matters not what we do or where we go in the end, only that we spend a day together. We leave the stress of every day life behind twice a year and run away for a day. It really is freeing.

We always start our days off early to make the most of it. We have breakfast together, sometimes in the car on our way to our destination while also enjoying our steeped tea from Tim Hortons.

In the beginning we started out almost every birthday with a trip to a spa where we would get our nails done and sometimes get massages. It got expensive and made it harder to plan for the others things in the day so we don't do it as much anymore.

DAY TRIP!
Here are some of the things we've done on our Birthday Days:

• Window shopping in some cute little tourist town a few hours away
• A Helicopter ride over Niagara Falls
• Watching a play in the theatre district of Toronto
• Taking a Pole Dancing Class
• Having high tea a the Royal York
• Zip lining
• Going to a museum
• Taking a tour - any tour!

This year, on my birthday, we did a tour of the ROM (Royal Ontario Museum) and then kicked around in the city in the afternoon, window shopping and dining and 'documenting' everything with our phones. After taking a photo, we decided to started saying "documented!" We are silly and it made us giggle. The point it that as long as we're together, it's going to be fun day.

For my beastie's birthday, I took her to cottage country where we took a boat tour that turned out to be a bit on the long, get me off this damn boat and get some food into my body, kind of tour. Afterwards we window shopped in the harbor town and then headed to my modest cottage an hour away for the night, concluding the evening with a fire and marshmallows.

GIFTS

We started filling a treasure chest for each other as a new tradition. Again, nothing fancy or expensive, just things you know the other person would appreciate. My bestie, who is truly the best, actually makes me chocolate covered Swedish berries every year - I suck as a friend in comparison - they are my absolute favorite thing in the world, next to my own child. I put google eyes in the box for her this year, and she had some fun vandalizing property with them as you'll see "documented!" below.

DOCUMENTED!


BEST BITCHES 4 LIFE!



GOOGLE EYES!



THE ROM

ZIP LINING (RB was sick for the rest of the day)

'WINDOW SHOPPING'



'WINDOW SHOPPING'

SCARY ASS DOLLS WE FOUND WINDOW SHOPPING

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25 Things I Know Are True at age 37

• Bagels are just as bad as donuts.
• "Choose your battles" is really good advice.  
• If you choose forgive somebody then you should actually do it. 
• Croissants are as bad as muffins. 

• Eating nuts is a good idea. Nobody remembers to eat nuts. 
• Meat is as bad as meat. 
• If we never cried, laughing wouldn't feel so good. 

• Being "broke flatter than piss on a plate" means you are having financial troubles. 
• Global warming is real, dummy. 
• Women are genetically disposed to being attracted to assholes. 
• Depression is real, dummy. 
• Owning a pet will mprove every aspect of your life. 

• Having children is supposed to change your life, dummy. 
• Small houses make loving families. 
• Bananas will bung you up if you eat them too often. 
• Friends are not important, they are vital. 
• Meditating improves every aspect of your life. 

• Some People will let you down and some will surprise you. 
• PMS is real, dummy. 
• Migraines suck. 
• Chocolate is as a gift from God to women, literally. 

• Sugar can make a headache worse. 
• Drinking more water will improve ever my aspect of your life. 
• Love is every emotion, good and bad, and sticking it out through them all is what counts.
• Too much of anything isn't good for you.

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JUST AS I AM

 

 

Now that I'm 36, I've decided to go in a radically new direction with my life. Forward. Dead ahead, if you'll excuse the pun, as I stumble ever closer to the latter half of my days on this earth.

 

My new adventure begins with creating an anti-resolution list:

 

• This year I vow never to diet again. To not waste another penny or thought or breath, saying 'It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change." It's always a diet if you're main goal is to lose weight, and I'm a fool for every thinking otherwise.
• I will never sign up for another life source draining exercise class as long as I live. Which means I will never have to listen to another middle aged woman yell out "eight more!" after I thought the last eight more was only going to be eight more, as I silently wish for spontaneously combust so the class will be over.
• I will never buy clothes that are just a little snug in the hopes to fit into them soon.
• I will stop responding with violence when my fiancé lets his eyes rest on my midsection for just a fraction too long.
• I will eat whatever I crave while PMS-ing. However, I will not eat that food to the point of guilt, shame, or to the state of being in a chocolate coma.

 

What I will do this year:

•  I will get paid what I'm worth.
• I will go for walks when I feel like it, take the stairs at work just to be sure I still have a pulse at 3:00 PM, and walk the treadmill at the gym when it's cold outside - because I want to catch up on my audio book and get away from the kids.
• I will control my habits by understanding them.
• I will always find something to be grateful for, even when it's difficult to do.
• I will continue to love and accept those around me and cherish those close to my heart.
• I will love myself every single day, JUST AS I AM.

 

2013 has kind of sucked so far...and it's been kind of great too. I've made friends, lost friends, caught up with old friends and deepened friendships at work. I've postponed my wedding due to my future father-in-law being diagnosed with and beginning cancer treatment, watched my ex-father-in-law fade away and leave this earth, had to tell my son his grandfather was gone, and chose not celebrate my birthday for the first time in 36 years. On the flipside, my son was accepted into a program that will save us thousands of dollars in private school expenses, my fiancé has offered to take me to NYC for a belated birthday gift, and I did get to plan half of my wedding, which was fun. I now know what direction I want to take my career, and I also got some highlights in my hair which look fantastic. So, you know, it's been a good bad year.

 

While all these things are happening in and around my life, things are happening in the world too.  North Korea is playing with nuclear weapons, and monsters are bombing the Boston Marathon. Closer to home, two men were arrested for plotting to bomb a passenger train.
 
When I stop to look around, I feel like things are spiraling out of control around me on all levels, but I'm grateful. There was a quote I often recall which was on the wall of my grade ten English class that read, "If we never cried, would laughing feel so good?" So, along with the bad, I am grateful for every minute I have and every person I love. I refuse to waste another second feeling bad about myself, my hair, wrinkles, butt, thighs, or whatever - I am only grateful for all of those things now. The wrinkles on my face tell me I'm lucky to have lived this long and the fat on my ass tells me that I can afford to indulge. I'm a spin doctor from this day forward, because my attitude is the only thing that is truly within my control.

 

So this year I choose love....and maybe drink a little more wine than I did in 2012. Screw the calories.

 

Good luck out there,

 

JB

 

 

 

 

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Nicky Jeanerson and Other People I Hate From Work (short story)

Sometimes I look back at the slew of bosses and coworkers I've had over the years and think, why didn't I get that person arrested, or why didn't I poison that person's coffee? I've had some truly memorable office experiences and now that I can look back and laugh, why not share them with you?

Working titles for this article:

• You Just Called Me What?
• No, I Don't Own a Tight Red Sweater
• Napoleon Complex Much?

The Nice Guy, The Nice Guy Perv, and The Just Plain Perv

Because I'm a logical and rational being, as you will surely find, I will start with my first job out of College. I worked in a small welding supply office where I took on a maternity leave stint for a woman who wore Disney clothes almost every day while she trained me to do her job. In this particular role, I was responsible for 'balancing the books' among other administrative responsibilities. I'm sure that they are still trying to sort out the clerical mess I left behind. The office consisted of two businesses and three business men and myself. Two of the three were brothers, Clint and John. Gord was the third and only gentleman in the office. He gave me a sweet pearl necklace from he and his wife for Christmas that year, which I still have and wear, fifteen years later. Clint drove a Corvette, he was in his fifties, having an affair with an old girlfriend who lived in the US, and he had a couple of kids whom I babysat when he went to see her. Yes, I babysat for my boss. Weird right? Clint was an interesting guy, he taught me how to get in and out of a car and drink wine like a lady. He also frequented the topless massage parlour down the hall from our office and took clients there as well as a treat. Oddly, not once did Clint ever make me feel uncomfortable. His brother, on the other hand (or in his other hand), kept pictures of the Sunshine Girl cut out form the newspaper in a box outside of the bathroom, and deeply inhaled my perfume whenever he came close to me. Needless to say, I put the old Red Door to rest pretty quickly.

The Hogger, The Frencher, and The Perky Prick

After Disney girl came back, I got a job in downtown Toronto and moved there. The man who hired me at this outdoor advertising company was named Jim. He used to hog the Christmas Gift baskets, other than that, I don't recall much about him except that he really wanted to hire the woman who came in before me to interview in a tight fitting red sweater. It was a running joke between him and my future baby-daddy, the Leasing Manager. Yes, you read correct, I had a baby with my coworker. Anyway, Jim was replaced by a French man named Jacques. Everyone loved this guy, he was handsome, friendly, did I mention French? Jacques chain smoked in his office (after the law was passed), and after he had his vasectomy he told me over duck and wine and in front of everyone at the office, that his tongue still worked just fine. Cue the blood rushing to my cheeks in embarrassment. We were all sad to see him go about a year later. We threw him one hell of a going away party though, with a stripper and a lot of booze. Once we all recovered from our hangovers, we had a new boss. A perky little shit who told endlessly boring stories about his bike riding gang (not biker gang, peddling bike gang) and did ass stretches in the middle of the office area. This guy used to call me Generation Y and tell me I should be more bubbly. I hated this dude, so I ignored him and got involved romantically with the Leasing Manager, as I mentioned.

The Overgrown Child

 I moved to suburbia with my Leasing Manager and played around in decorating and set design before deciding that a steady paycheck was the grown up thing to have and went back to office work. I worked at another advertising company, the bosses were OK, but I was stuck working on 'the books' again and I liked them too much to bring them crashing down financially because I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I landed at a sales office, as a Sales Assistant after that. Here is where I met Nicky Jeanerson. This woman stood at least three feet taller than me and had the same build as Hulk Hogan. Being in the cut throat, male dominated sales industry had turned Nicky hard. She had bright red hair and stalked around the office with a face so full of make-up that you could literally see an orange line between her chin and neck. I asked her once not to throw her banana peel in the garbage at my desk when she had her own garbage or to use the garbage in the kitchen instead, and she called me persnickety. I had to look it up. I didn't think the definition suited me. Was there a fancy name that I could use to sum up the horrible ogre lady that she was? Scarycrazybitchickity, perhaps. Besides Nicky Jeanerson, there was another oddball person I had to put up with at this office, his name was Chad. Chad was the acting president, who during my interview asked me if I worked out and was a massive fan of The Simpsons. Chad was a creep, I hated getting stuck in his office after procuring his signature on a sales contract, and having to hear in detail from front to end about the Simpsons episode he watched the night before all while he glanced me up and down with his bulging bug eyes. He even looked a little bit like Homer, yick.

Small and Crazy

To further advance my career I decided to take a job as an Executive Assistant. Yay! I did it! I climbed the ladder from Secretary to EA. I've arrived. The pay was so much better and, at the ripe old age of 26, maybe I'd start being respected in my work. Wrong. Oh so terribly wrong. As a matter of fact, it only got worse the more I advanced. My new boss, we'll call him Napoleon, because he was a short angry man with, well, a Napoleon complex. He once remarked that "I was actually capable of learning" and then quoted the line that the peasant in My Fair Lady had to learn to improve her speech "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane." What an asshole. He would also often announce to whomever would listen that I was like his wife, but without the sex. He thought it was hilarious, I thought it was gross. This guy swore in his management meetings, told his VPs to 'shut the fuck up' and I don't even want to know what would happen if I didn't have his coffee waiting on his desk when he arrived. He was very wealthy, having built his own business, and often took women he met at the casino, who were half his age, on expensive trips, and then call me to complain that they were too drunk to have sex with him. He used to let me use his private box at the semi-pro hockey arena and eat whatever I wanted while we were there, so that was nice I guess. One time he had me run all over the city buying up copies of a newspaper that printed an article about him, then he called me on my cell phone to yell at me for taking too long. I ended up taking sick leave because it was such a bad environment for me. Napoleon died about a year later from Cancer. I did not attend his funeral.

The Pretty Boy

If you think that little men with major insecurity issues are hard to work for, try working for a pretty boy. Rob Turner once, only once, leaned on my desk while picking his teeth with a business card. "If something lands on me I'm quitting," I told him in all seriousness. Behind his back we called him Gaston, from Beauty and the Beast. Arrogance was his middle name, investing was his game. How did I end up working with money again? Lucky for everyone, the agents handled the money, I just took care of Gaston, I mean Rob. After two uncomfortable years in which he compared me constantly to his old, slim, sexy, assistant that adored him, we agreed to call it quits. He gave me time to find a new job and at my farewell party I announced that I thoroughly enjoyed working with Rob for the last two weeks. Mr. Centre Of The Universe didn't like that very much, but I sure enjoyed dissing him in front of everyone after he made me fetch his coffee and his lunch every single day, rain or snow, for the last two years.

This Porridge is Just Right

When I was interviewing for my next job, I say interviewing and not being interviewed because I was determined to choose wisely this time, I told the gentleman across from me not to bother calling me back if he wanted somebody to fetch his coffee. I let him know that 'thank you' goes a long way and that, if hired, I'd like to be judged on my performance and not my appearance. It's been over two years now that I've been working for Quan and besides being a little on the anti-social workaholic side, he's pretty good. He has never ogled me, sworn at me, called me stupid, or sent me on ridiculous errands. He doesn't give me Christmas gifts, or say Happy Birthday to me, but he's a religious man and that's got to count for something.

You know when people tell you 'their story' which includes struggle and heartache and sacrifices, and then say they would do it all over again to get to where they are now? Well if I did have to do it all over again, people would get injured, physically, in the balls and I would have stuck with decorating.

Have you had a terrible boss? Share your story, it might make me feel better. Thanks!
Good Luck Out There,

Just Being

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Adventures in Wedding Plannig Journal

“In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed.

You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”
― Mr. Darcy

The Date

June 1, 2012

I vowed not to discuss making wedding plans with V until July (we were engaged in May).  I do make sure, however, to call him fiancé every single day because I love the reaction I get from him. He playfully moans as though it physically hurts to be engaged to me. It's not like I've put (much) pressure on him about getting married. But I really, really, really don't want to be what we call an 'old bride'. I want to look young and thin and happy in my wedding photos. Not wrinkled, tired and pissed off. We've been together for seven years, have been shacked up for the last five, and we have a house full of kids (3 combined). Tick-Tock, am I right?

Now that we're engaged, EVERYONE is demanding that I give them a date. Considering that we are most likely planning a Destination Wedding, I understand their concern. But can't I just enjoy being engaged for a little while? And the only way for us to enjoy being engaged is to not talk about wedding planning. Ironic isn't it? The thing is, the idea of planning my wedding is freaking me out! There is so much to do! I already have a hectic schedule. I'm going to have to just take this whole thing in stride because I really want to try to enjoy it every step of the way - right up to the alter (or gazebo, or ocean, or whatever we decide to do).

July 3, 2012

It's July! That means wedding planning time. We spent the weekend at the beach relaxing and it was a perfect time to talk wedding details. We are thinking September 2013 or Spring 2014. I realized during our no talking wedding period that my age deadline was sort of silly, so I gave him the option to push the date out a bit to take off some pressure - I'm awfully nice aren't I?  That's why he loves me I guess. I'll be 37 if we wait until 2014, but I'm over it - V was  nice enough to point out that I don't look my age and nobody will think of me as an old bride. We have also agreed to look at local  venues which was at my request. See how we are compromising - it's so impressive thus far. The destination wedding was his idea and I've never been entirely on board with it.

July 16, 2012

We've organically, while looking at venues, decided on September 2013 for our Wedding Date. Now, I'm getting a little bit nervous. Not gonna lie.
Dec 26, 2012
We are just about there - putting the deposit down for Sept 6th, 2013. It's a Friday. A Friday wedding is not the most convenient, but it's less expensive. I also decided, because it's a Friday, I'm not going to have a sit down dinner, but a late ceremony, and tons of H'or Douerves and a late night snack bar, open bar of course, as well. Removing the table seating, wedding favours, and all that fussy stuff, makes me look forward to planning my wedding again.

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Dancing in the Aisle

I found myself slow dancing in the aisle to Blue Rodeo's "Bad Timing" being softly kissed and falling in love all over again.

It was the very last song of the concert during the second encore that they finally played our song and we let our inhibitions go and slow danced in the aisle. Consuming three large ten dollar beers throughout the course of the concert may have helped bring this event to life as well. We considered that we might miss our song while one of us was in the washroom which would have been ironic and true to the roots of our relationship and the title of the song. But instead we were able to look into each others eyes and sing the words, "We each forgive a little bit and we both look back on it as just bad timing that's all", solidifying our past and our future together.

What a show! What I love about Blue Rodeo is that they are a no frills band. It's really all about the music. It's not their fault that the Amphitheatre had four big jumbo screens hanging from the ceiling distracting the audience from the in real life band playing on stage and instead staring up at a fifteen foot tall image of Jim Cuddy's harmonica playing, perfectly symmetrical face. They are such a good old fashioned Canadian band that I felt I owed it to them to watch the stage as much as possible and take in the ambiance of the group playing together and the audience singing along in harmony. I felt a sense of wonderment and peace when everyone in the audience sang out, "And if we're lost, then we are lost together." It made me feel that each and everyone one of us had felt lost in our lives at one time or another and that we weren't alone. The diversity of the crowd also lent to the power of that moment, bringing all races, ages, and personalities together in song. Amazing.

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Childhood is a Short Season - Our Trip to LegoLand, California

“Turning 10 is a milestone!” I announced I to my son a few months before his birthday, “Let’s do something big!” I felt like he was growing up too fast and I wanted to mark the occasion, so I suggested we take a trip. I’ve heard so many adults say they wish they had gone to Disney Land when they were kids, so much so that they end up making the trip in their adulthood because they just needed to experience it. I’m not one of those people, nevertheless, I offered it up to my son just in case he was. I didn’t want him to grow up feeling that he missed out on an integral part of childhood – the adventure of going somewhere amazing. Turns out he’s not a Disney person either. Knowing his love of both, I offered up a trip to the Star Wars Convention in DC or to LegoLand in California instead. He chose LegoLand and I started planning.

I used Google maps and Google Street View to scope out the area and pick out a hotel nearby Lego Land. When we arrived by taxi from the airport to the Quality Inn in Carlsbad, our room wasn’t ready yet, so we walked to the State Beach nearby. We ordered pizza for dinner and went to bed early in anticipation of the day ahead.

We spent the next day looking at Lego creation after Lego creation - they were amazingly detailed, right down to a little Lego figure on the toilet in the underground of Grand Central Station! The miniature Washington DC (and thankfully not the miniature Las Vegas) inspired my son to choose that as the destination for his next Milestone Birthday. After our tour of the miniatures, he spent a lot of time in the Xbox room playing video games, but hey, it was his birthday so I remained patient. I even got invited to play Lego Rock Band on a huge screen in the middle of the room with some of the other kids. The rides at the park are geared toward younger children, but we had enough to keep us busy and it didn’t bother my son at all – we were there for the Lego. Despite the cool weather, we visited the waterpark twice, where we enjoyed the lazy river and collected big Lego blocks to attach to our tubes. We also checked out all of the gift shops where we found some really cool Lego statues like Harry Potter, Darth Vader, Chewbacca, and Indian Jones. I took a picture of my son with Hagrad from the Harry Potter movies. He’s not a Harry Potter fan, and mistook the figure to be a Lego Jesus. This picture makes me laugh every time I look at it. 

 

SeaLife Aquarium is remarkably beautiful - we went through twice and took tons of photos - the stingrays are adorable, they look like they’re smiling as they glide above you in the glass tunnel.

Our cab driver, Steve, was nice enough to bring us on a tour of the ocean side on the way back to the airport. My son thought Steve the cab driver/surfer dude was really cool. Steve has his own surfing business - check out his website: www.simplemanadventures.com (the cab company is called Craig's Cab).

For more information about LegoLand California visit: http://california.legoland.com/

"Childhood is a short season." --Helen Hayes

“If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older.”-- Tom Robbins

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