Sh*t My Mom Says

Some mothers, like myself, come up with sweet little sayings that are sort of like inside jokes for mom and child. For instance, I was tired of telling my son that "practice makes perfect!" so I started saying "practice makes popcorn!" which made us giggle and still got my point across to my ever reluctant son.

As for my mother's many, many sayings and expressions, I though I'd make a list of some of her gems. Keep in mind she is of a different generation and was raised in the forest by wolves (actually in the woods and my grandfather was a fur trapper). In her defense, my mother is actually the sweetest person I know. She had 5 kids to raise and she welcomed all of our friends and neighborhood kids into our home. She would pack a lunch for all of us plus my best friend who would show up at our door every morning to take the bus with us. I could write a book on just how amazing my mother truly is. But today, I'm going to write about all the sayings that kept me guessing over the years. My mother is a respected member of her community....somehow. Anyway, here we go!

Sh*t My Mom Says:

Let's get warmed up with some of the PG ones:

"Some people's children." She would say this when we were being weird or misbehaving as though she was judging another person's kids. I like this one and use it on my son now.

"Rise and Shine! Daylight in the Swamp!" This is how she would wake us up for school when we were teens. I kind of loved it.

My mother would sing this to me sometimes: "You may think it's goofy, but my daughter is a Newfie!" I also kind of loved this because my father is from The Rock.

"That's the pot calling the kettle black." It's a classic, but now we have stainless steel kettles and our pots can come in a variety of colors. This expression came about when people used cast iron in the kitchen - and it's not a racist expression at all. It's a way of calling somebody a hypocrite.

"Like it or lump it" I actually found this one on the internet: Meaning: "Said of an unpleasant outcome that one has no choice but to accept - one can either endure it willingly or endure it with suffering. - Lump - To look sulky or disagreeable (16th century)

Are you warmed up? Because here come the doozies:

"I'm broke flatter than piss on a plate." I think this one is self explanatory.

"That thing (jar, door, whatever) is closed up tighter than a Nun's c*nt." (yup, she really says it - without a care in the world - kind of like Betty White) Both insulting to women and religion in one blow. I'd give this one a 9 on the offensive scale.

If I am bent over to pick something up, she will say this before smacking very hard on the bottom: "Never pass a tight ass..." What does that even mean? Without smacking it I guess.

She would also call me a "Wandering Jew" when I walked around the house in boredom as a child. I did not know how to feel about this one. I found out recently that there is actually a biblical character that this reference pertains to, whether my mother knows this or not, I will have to ask her. "The original legend concerns a Jew, who taunted Jesus on the way to the Crucifixion and was then cursed to walk the earth until the Second Coming."

And the ultimate pot calling the kettle black is when she would tell us kids, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Really Mom? Really?

My parents together have a ton of inside jokes as well. They often quote television commercials that made them laugh or just a part of a joke that they both thought was hilarious. They have a great relationship and still flirt with each other after forty years of marriage. So I think the secret to a good marriage must be that you both have to have a sense of humor be a little bit crazy.

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