Ready or Not - On Turning Thirty-Five

No, I'm not freaking out about turning 35; I'm amazed that I made it this far unscathed and with only a minimal amount of emotional scarring.

This is some of what I've learned in my 35 years on this planet:

On Life in General

Moisturize. Don't wait until it's too late! For the love of Pete, Moisturize!

Write thank you cards. It's the right thing to do.

Go Topless. You will be a new woman. Don't do it at work or at the local pool, wait until you're on vacation somewhere where you don't have to see any of those people ever again.

Take care of your shoes - switch to a pair of flats while driving. Pretty clever huh? It will save the backs of all your heels!

It only takes one really unpleasant experience to learn NOT to put your purse on the back of the toilet in a public restroom.

Tucking in your shirt actually makes you look slimmer. I just figured that out this morning!

On Working For a Living

Work for a real ass at least once (or in my case 4 times) in your life, so you can appreciate a good boss when you have one. When being interviewed for my current job, I told my potential boss not to hire me if he expected me to fetch him coffee or run out into the snow to get him his lunch. Amazingly, he hired me and is one of the best bosses I've ever had.

In My House

I'm no Molly Homemaker but I recently discovered that Febreeze takes wrinkles our of my clothes! Screw you ironing!

Hire a cleaner. Your husband is never going to share the chores with you, just accept that as your fate and hire a cleaner. It will change your life.

On The One I Love

Mind Games - Use For Good, Not Evil - use them freely to bend people to your will without their consent. It's very rewarding. Guilt trips are equally effective. Apply only when necessary, otherwise they'll catch on.

If You Can't Beat Em' - Even though you may want to slam the toilet seat down on his head some days to get your point across, spousal abuse is frowned upon in our Country. Just accept the fact that your hubby does not meet your sanitary standards and love him for the things that make him great. Like his smile, his strong arms, great hugs, and cute butt. I feel better already.

I asked my fiance to always kiss me for at least six seconds in the morning. I read somewhere that it boosts happy endorphins. He takes time to kiss me a little longer and look into my eyes before we leave each other for the day. He's a pretty good guy.

On Loving Their Guts - Children

I love my son so much that I want to take a bite out of him. I refrain because I'm not actually a Zombie-Mom.

On BFFs and Other Things Invented in the 80s

Somebody wrote this on my binder in High School: "Sex is like Ontario - Yours to Discover" Although I've seen a lot of it, there really is more to discover. I'm talking about Ontario, not sex, although I guess the same applies to both.

I can't remember if the saying was 'Like 9!', 'Like 10!', or 'Like 90!' and I'll never know.

It really sucks when you get to the age when all the skinny teens start rocking the stretch jeans you can no longer rock because you're a sensible adult now with a slightly larger ass.

80s cartoons kind of suck when you compare them to Sponge Bob Square Pants. Although, I will always love Jem, Inspector Gadget, Hercules, and He-Man, they are pretty lame now.

On Family

Thank you Facebook. If it wasn't for their wives posts, I would never know what my brothers were up to.
We even got Mom and Dad a computer last year. Now we're all connected!

On Ageing. On Ageing - Did I Just Say That?

Screw it, I'm not ageing. I'm still blossoming!

My Grandmother just passed away this year at the age of 92. She was pretty cool. I wish I would have called her more.

Ever since I had my son, it doesn't matter what I go to the doctor about, he tells me it's because I'm getting older and not to worry about it. I don't like him very much.

On Health

Habits bread habits. Start something good and it will change your life. Nike is right, you should just do it.

Spend time with Friends - laughter really is the best medicine...and wine, wine is really good for you too.

Good luck out there,
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